Day 57 – Hope

Today I’m grateful for hope.

It was a rough one yesterday. Spent most of the day in bed, feeling like shit mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was just a big old depressive pile.

The worst part about it were the thoughts about my own inadequacies as a human being. Stupid was the biggest one. Useless was a close second. Weak brought it in for the trifecta.

Luckily, at some point while I was lying in bed this morning I remembered to just move with intention. Fuck feeling better, and who cares if I’m stupid, useless, and weak. Pick a tiny goal and move toward it. I don’t have to feel better to move. Life isn’t about happiness (which we have very little control over).  Life is about fulfillment, which we have a lot more control of.

So I moved. The only goal was to get out of bed. I accomplished that goal.

I also read a bit of Jocko Wilink’s “Discipline Equals Freedom.” Many (most?) of my problems are the direct result of a lack of discipline. And the parts that I read were about just starting. They were about moving… now.

After moving, another thought – these feelings are temporary. When I get into this headspace, it’s easy to get into the “It’s always like this and it will always be like this.” That’s a load of bullshit. It isn’t always like this – sometimes I feel like that, but other times I’m full of energy, motivated, excited for the future.  I may still be stupid, useless, and weak (well, not useless), but who cares? That’s called being human – and if you are a human being and don’t think you are stupid and weak in some areas… well, then you are stupid – or crazy.

So now I have hope.  And I’m grateful that I went though all of that. It reinforced a truth that I keep on forgetting – all things are temporary, including my moods.

Especially my moods.

 

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