Today I’m grateful for my nicotine addiction.
Not because I’ve quit and I’m grateful that I’m free of it. I haven’t been able to quit, and I continue to struggle (and lose) on a daily basis. That’s what I’m thankful for today.
Why would I be grateful for that?
Because it’s something that’s right there, in my face, telling me that I’m still a human being. No matter what I do, there will still be weakness. I’m never going to be perfect.
That’s a good thing to remember. I’m never, ever, ever going to be perfect. No one ever is. To tell the truth, I don’t know if there’s even a bright lines definition of what the “perfect” person is. But if it’s someone who never stumbles when trying something, who never has moments of doubt, who never gives into temptation… yeah, that’s never going to happen.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to continue to chip away at it. There’s a little something that I say to Tracy when I’ve fucked up – “Workin’ on it, Gettin’ better!” It’s usually said as a joke, as a distraction and deflection technique. But it’s also true. I (usually) am working on it and getting better.
Well, maybe not getting better, but working on it. That’s the important part – the working on it. The getting better part isn’t up to me. I can only keep planting the seeds and tilling the soil to the best of my ability, and accept it when I forget to add fertilizer or I don’t spray the pesticides properly. The actual growth of the crop is up to the workings of the universe.