Day 58 – The Results of Hope

Today I’m grateful that hope isn’t a useless idea.

If you read yesterday’s entry, I had a rough day on Friday.  But yesterday I was able to find some hope.

And it turned out to be a fantastic day.

After studying the Stoics, I had decided that I agreed with Seneca (I think it was Seneca) that hope isn’t a good thing, because it indicates that you aren’t accepting your current situation as it is and loving it.

That follows logically, if you look at it in a vacuum.  If the goal is Amor Fati, then we aren’t practicing it if we need to have hope.

But guess what.  The key word in there is practice.  We aren’t going to undo years of conditioning in a week (or 58 days).  And the thing that can put us back on track?

Hope.

It did for me yesterday.  It helped me to remember that even though I’m in the middle of a depressive episode, shit always always always changes.  To be hopeless, to believe that when things are bad they will always be bad and we might as well pack it in, is silly.  That’s not just not accepting reality – it’s denying it.

So today I’m grateful that I’ve learned (once again) that it’s OK to hope.  No, I’m grateful to know that it’s necessary to hope when we need to.

 

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Day 57 – Hope

Today I’m grateful for hope.

It was a rough one yesterday. Spent most of the day in bed, feeling like shit mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was just a big old depressive pile.

The worst part about it were the thoughts about my own inadequacies as a human being. Stupid was the biggest one. Useless was a close second. Weak brought it in for the trifecta.

Luckily, at some point while I was lying in bed this morning I remembered to just move with intention. Fuck feeling better, and who cares if I’m stupid, useless, and weak. Pick a tiny goal and move toward it. I don’t have to feel better to move. Life isn’t about happiness (which we have very little control over).  Life is about fulfillment, which we have a lot more control of.

So I moved. The only goal was to get out of bed. I accomplished that goal.

I also read a bit of Jocko Wilink’s “Discipline Equals Freedom.” Many (most?) of my problems are the direct result of a lack of discipline. And the parts that I read were about just starting. They were about moving… now.

After moving, another thought – these feelings are temporary. When I get into this headspace, it’s easy to get into the “It’s always like this and it will always be like this.” That’s a load of bullshit. It isn’t always like this – sometimes I feel like that, but other times I’m full of energy, motivated, excited for the future.  I may still be stupid, useless, and weak (well, not useless), but who cares? That’s called being human – and if you are a human being and don’t think you are stupid and weak in some areas… well, then you are stupid – or crazy.

So now I have hope.  And I’m grateful that I went though all of that. It reinforced a truth that I keep on forgetting – all things are temporary, including my moods.

Especially my moods.