Day 57 – Hope

Today I’m grateful for hope.

It was a rough one yesterday. Spent most of the day in bed, feeling like shit mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was just a big old depressive pile.

The worst part about it were the thoughts about my own inadequacies as a human being. Stupid was the biggest one. Useless was a close second. Weak brought it in for the trifecta.

Luckily, at some point while I was lying in bed this morning I remembered to just move with intention. Fuck feeling better, and who cares if I’m stupid, useless, and weak. Pick a tiny goal and move toward it. I don’t have to feel better to move. Life isn’t about happiness (which we have very little control over).  Life is about fulfillment, which we have a lot more control of.

So I moved. The only goal was to get out of bed. I accomplished that goal.

I also read a bit of Jocko Wilink’s “Discipline Equals Freedom.” Many (most?) of my problems are the direct result of a lack of discipline. And the parts that I read were about just starting. They were about moving… now.

After moving, another thought – these feelings are temporary. When I get into this headspace, it’s easy to get into the “It’s always like this and it will always be like this.” That’s a load of bullshit. It isn’t always like this – sometimes I feel like that, but other times I’m full of energy, motivated, excited for the future.  I may still be stupid, useless, and weak (well, not useless), but who cares? That’s called being human – and if you are a human being and don’t think you are stupid and weak in some areas… well, then you are stupid – or crazy.

So now I have hope.  And I’m grateful that I went though all of that. It reinforced a truth that I keep on forgetting – all things are temporary, including my moods.

Especially my moods.

 

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Day 54 – Back Pain

Today I’m grateful for the pain in my back.

It’s probably about a seven on the 1-10 pain scale.  But I’m going to keep pushing forward with the day.  And that’s something to be grateful for – that it’s bad, but not so bad that I can’t get to work today.  Advil and trying to avoid straining it should be enough.

 

Day 48 – Tired

Today I give thanks that I didn’t get nearly enough sleep last night.

And… I’m not really sure what else to say about that.  I’m really too tired to think straight right now, and I’ve got to get ready to go to work.  I’m grateful that I’m up and about to face another day.

Day 44 – More Sickness

Today I give thanks that this sickness I have has dug its way in and it doesn’t want to let go.

From the way things look from others who have had what I think is the same thing, 4-5 days seems to be the norm.  Which would put it right about Monday, the day I head back to work.

That would be awesome, but I have no control over it.  Other than to do what I can to get better.

I’m grateful that I’ve got that bit of control, and the will to exercise it.

 

Day 43 – Sickness

Today I give thanks for the illness that has decided to hitch a ride in my body.

I somehow ended up catching a bug, and am starting to feel congested and run down.  But it couldn’t have happened at a better time – the blizzard I wrote about yesterday is heading in, and I’m staying home from work because of it.

It’s a good thing when two things that you didn’t want to happen converge – that way they are both taken care of at the same time, and there’s less on your plate later on.

So I’m grateful for this illness, and for when it happened.

 

 

Day 34 – Headache

This morning I’m grateful for the headache I have.

I’m not sure why yet.  How could someone be grateful for pain that doesn’t seem to serve any real purpose.  I’m sure that I don’t have a brain tumor or some other serious problem going on up there.

I can be thankful for that – that don’t have any serious health problems threatening me at the moment.  That’s always a good thing.

And that it’s not bad enough to keep me from doing what I need to do today.  That’s something else to be thankful for.

Just those two things are enough.

 

Day 31 – Up At 3am

This morning I’m thankful that I’m up at 3am for no reason at all.

I’ve actually started to enjoy getting up early.  It gives me time to write, to meditate, to read – to do all of those things that I never seem to make time for once the day gets into full swing.

On the other side of the coin, I’ve learned that, for my physical and mental health (mostly the mental), I need to get enough sleep.  It’s not something that I can skimp on.

There’s a difference between getting up because one wants to get stuff done, and being up because one can’t fall back to sleep after laying in bed for an hour (plus).

It’s all good, though.  I’m grateful that I can get this extra early start to the day.  I’m grateful that I’ll have plenty of time today for a nap.  I’m grateful that I’ve I’ve learned that shit doesn’t have to go as planned for life to turn out to be fantastic.