Day 57 – Hope

Today I’m grateful for hope.

It was a rough one yesterday. Spent most of the day in bed, feeling like shit mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was just a big old depressive pile.

The worst part about it were the thoughts about my own inadequacies as a human being. Stupid was the biggest one. Useless was a close second. Weak brought it in for the trifecta.

Luckily, at some point while I was lying in bed this morning I remembered to just move with intention. Fuck feeling better, and who cares if I’m stupid, useless, and weak. Pick a tiny goal and move toward it. I don’t have to feel better to move. Life isn’t about happiness (which we have very little control over).  Life is about fulfillment, which we have a lot more control of.

So I moved. The only goal was to get out of bed. I accomplished that goal.

I also read a bit of Jocko Wilink’s “Discipline Equals Freedom.” Many (most?) of my problems are the direct result of a lack of discipline. And the parts that I read were about just starting. They were about moving… now.

After moving, another thought – these feelings are temporary. When I get into this headspace, it’s easy to get into the “It’s always like this and it will always be like this.” That’s a load of bullshit. It isn’t always like this – sometimes I feel like that, but other times I’m full of energy, motivated, excited for the future.  I may still be stupid, useless, and weak (well, not useless), but who cares? That’s called being human – and if you are a human being and don’t think you are stupid and weak in some areas… well, then you are stupid – or crazy.

So now I have hope.  And I’m grateful that I went though all of that. It reinforced a truth that I keep on forgetting – all things are temporary, including my moods.

Especially my moods.

 

Advertisements

Day 46 – Last Jedi Redux

Today I give thanks that I’m not going to see “The Last Jedi” – again.

I’m pretty disappointed this time, but once again wisdom and practicality are going to keep me (us) home.

It’s currently -3 outside with a wind chill of -25.  I’m only now starting to get over what I think qualifies as the worst cold (“cold” doesn’t do it justice) I’ve ever had, my sister in law isn’t completely over it either, and my wife is starting to show signs of having her own battle with it.  There are quite a few things that have to get done around the house after all of this time of inactivity.

It’s a freakin’ movie, man.  I’ll see it.  Or I won’t.  I want to, but not as much as I want to heal, not as much as I want my wife and sister in law to heal, and not as much as I want to get back on track with all of the stuff that’s gotten off track over the past few days.

I’m grateful that I’ve got things in my life that are more important than the latest installment of a space opera.

 

Day 44 – More Sickness

Today I give thanks that this sickness I have has dug its way in and it doesn’t want to let go.

From the way things look from others who have had what I think is the same thing, 4-5 days seems to be the norm.  Which would put it right about Monday, the day I head back to work.

That would be awesome, but I have no control over it.  Other than to do what I can to get better.

I’m grateful that I’ve got that bit of control, and the will to exercise it.

 

Day 43 – Sickness

Today I give thanks for the illness that has decided to hitch a ride in my body.

I somehow ended up catching a bug, and am starting to feel congested and run down.  But it couldn’t have happened at a better time – the blizzard I wrote about yesterday is heading in, and I’m staying home from work because of it.

It’s a good thing when two things that you didn’t want to happen converge – that way they are both taken care of at the same time, and there’s less on your plate later on.

So I’m grateful for this illness, and for when it happened.

 

 

Day 31 – Up At 3am

This morning I’m thankful that I’m up at 3am for no reason at all.

I’ve actually started to enjoy getting up early.  It gives me time to write, to meditate, to read – to do all of those things that I never seem to make time for once the day gets into full swing.

On the other side of the coin, I’ve learned that, for my physical and mental health (mostly the mental), I need to get enough sleep.  It’s not something that I can skimp on.

There’s a difference between getting up because one wants to get stuff done, and being up because one can’t fall back to sleep after laying in bed for an hour (plus).

It’s all good, though.  I’m grateful that I can get this extra early start to the day.  I’m grateful that I’ll have plenty of time today for a nap.  I’m grateful that I’ve I’ve learned that shit doesn’t have to go as planned for life to turn out to be fantastic.

 

Day 23 – Anxiety

Today I am thankful for the anxiety I’m having.

I’m thankful for it because it’s telling me something – it’s telling me that I’m not accepting (and therefore not being grateful for) something that is going on in my world.

It’s mainly centered around the prescription problems (challenges!) that I wrote about yesterday.  Today is the day that I’ll be able to really work on that, and I’m not looking forward to it.  I try to remind myself that it’s just another experience, and it’s an experience that will make me stronger for the next, similar experience that comes along down the line.

I’m also grateful that I’ve learned that it isn’t as easy as “OK, so just stop being anxious.  You know what’s going on, so take care of it!”  Maybe that’s true for you normies out there.  But I have 47 years of experience telling me that I need to be very, very careful here.  I can let something this small, something that *will* work itself out in the end, take me out of the game in an instant.

But I’m not going to do that this time.  There’s anxiety, but I don’t have to let that dictate my actions.  The emotions don’t have to go anywhere for me to do what needs to be done.

I’m thankful that I know that now.

 

Day 21 – So Sleepy…

Today I’m thankful for not getting enough sleep.

Last night was one of those nights.  I couldn’t fall asleep until just a bit before midnight, and here it is 4:50 am.  I’d set my alarm for 5:30, but woke up at 4 and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I went ahead and got out of bed just before 4:30.

I like being up this early, so I can write, meditate, exercise, and read before heading off to work.  I’m thankful that I’m up early enough to get all of that done – and will work on loving the tiredness that will be with me today.