Today I’m grateful that I have 305 days to go on this project.
It won’t end up on Thanksgiving like I first planned because of my mini-vacation from writing here. And the last thing that I want to do right now is continue on with this for another 305 days.
But I will. And I’m grateful for that.
Today I give thanks that I don’t feel like writing here – again.
I’m grateful that even though I don’t want to do it, I’m doing it anyway. Because even if I don’t feel like it in the moment, over the long term I can see how useful it has been and will continue to be.
Today I give thanks that I’m wasting my time with this blog.
It feels like that sometimes. Maybe I’m not pushing hard enough, and I’m just going through the motions of adding words to the page; not really digging deep enough to uncover the things that I could be grateful for but am not.
This is why I’m grateful for spending my time doing this: each morning, I run through things that I could write about: “Hmmm, my computer kind of sucks… but I’m already grateful that I have a decent one.” “Money’s pretty tight, but I’m in a way better financial situation than I ever was.” “Tracy and I fight sometimes, but I’m more grateful to have her than anything.”
So what’s happening is I’m doing a gratitude list in my head each morning while looking for things that I’m not grateful for. And that’s pretty cool.
Today I’m thankful that I still don’t want to do this daily “thanksgiving for things I wouldn’t normally be thankful for” blog.
I’ve written this before. And I’m writing it again. And I’m going to keep writing it as long as I’m feeling it.
Because I want to be grateful for everything in my life. And even when I have nothing to write but “I don’t wanna”, just thinking about writing in here keeps me focused on all of the things that I’m already grateful for – my wife, my job, my home, my dog… all of those people and things that make my life the amazing miracle that it is today.
So I’m going to keep writing – whether I feel like it or not.
Today I’m grateful for having to really dig for something new that I need to work on being grateful for.
I know I’ve written that before… but it’s still pretty amazing to me. Maybe it’s because, rather than using this for it’s intended purpose, I’m worried too much about the people who are reading it.
This blog’s intended purpose was to keep me on track with learning how to Amor Fati – how to love everything in my life, no matter what. Thanksgiving, the day when give thanks for those things in our lives that we are grateful for, was it’s beginning. But why limit that to one day a year? And why limit it to just those things that obvious?
The problem with doing it publicly on a regular basis is that one starts to think about the audience. So I think “No, people have already read that… I can’t write about that again.” But if I’m still working on loving the cold, or getting up for work, or my crappy car… then I should still be writing about the the cold, or getting up for work, or my crappy car. Until I’m truly grateful for these things. Until I love them.
Here’s something to be grateful for – the fact that I’m still able to work this stuff out in my head.
This morning I’m thankful for not having anything to write about this morning.
Writing this blog is now the first thing that I do in the morning. I get out of bed, put some clothes on, take the dog out, feed him, grab a cup of coffee, and sit down to write.
From the time I’m out of bed, I start thinking about what sucks in my life that I can write about and work on being grateful for. It’s interesting – the opposite of positive visualization, but not quite the same as the Stoic practice of negative visualization.
Sometimes stuff is already there, like when I was worried about my insurance (both times!) or that I wouldn’t have anywhere to put my car during the snow or some other super important god awful issue that was going to ruin everything in my life so why not just kill myself?
But on some days, like today, I have to run through things in my head trying to think of something that sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t take very long – I just realize “Hey, I’d like this to change” and I’m off to the races. But this morning went something like this:
- Man, it’s cold out here while walking the dog. I could write about that. But the cold really feels good on my skin, and it’s helping me to wake up. I’m actually glad it’s like this today.
- How about that little fight Tracy and I had last night while we were driving to the party? Naw, that was pretty great too. I’m glad we fight sometimes – it brings out the honesty in us, and we always end up laughing at ourselves after.
- Being up at 4am because because Discipline Equals Freedom? Holy Moley, I actually got my ass out of bed on a Sunday morning. I don’t have to be up, I want to be up. Nothing sucks about that.
And so on, and so forth.
So I realized… I’m not just looking for stuff to be thankful for this morning. I’m actually grateful for stuff, and I’m reviewing that stuff in my mind.
I’m starting my day with real, honest gratitude.
So there is something to be grateful for when I can’t think of something that I’m going to try to be grateful for.
Today I’m thankful that I “have to” write something here.
Of course, the truth is that I don’t have to write anything. I could stop – nine days is enough, right?
Nope. It’s once a day for another 356 days. 50 words minimum on something that I wouldn’t normally be grateful for, some challenge in my life that, if i could wave a magic wand, would just go away.
Amor Fati, motherfucker. Not stopping. Not today.